Hello again.
The last 6 months have been a real struggle for me. I have found myself struggling spiritually, physically, emotionally... Ok, let's be real, the struggle has been going on for much longer than 6 months. But I will say that it has picked up speed.
In the last 6 months, I've had to come to terms with both of my daughters being gluten intolerant, V having food allergies, me developing new food allergies, me spraining a knee and, subsequently, having and recovering from knee surgery, a car accident and the ongoing resolution of that, and just all of the usual having a very young family and a household to tend. And how about them "terrible twos!"
I know there have been tremendous opportunities for grace in all of this, but I can't say I've taken advantage of these opportunities. My prayer life is dismal, ambitions I have had for my home and family are gone and I feel like I've been in some sort of "crisis-management" or "survival" mode for a really, really long time. I'd gladly accept a lot of this as my "new normal" except that as soon as I get to that point, a new wrench gets thrown in the works. Most especially, this is the food stuff. You see, I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia in my late adolescence and early adulthood. I can accept that I have a warped body image sense. But I do have a tendency to avoid eating when I am stressed and to be a bit compulsive with weighing myself and focusing on the numbers when life gets stressful. So as my dietary world gets more and more restrictive, and expensive, I'm having a hard time not just restricting food completely. I joked with my allergist that I was going to just give up food for the new year. (With my mom, we change the joke to "for advent" or "for ordinary time" because we like that kind of Catholic humor.)
It isn't that I am stuck in an impossible situation. There is always hope, if we place it in the Lord. But that is an easy thing to say, and at least for me lately, very difficult to put into practice. I can't receive Communion because of V's gluten intolerance (she is still breastfed) and pursuing gluten-free Communion options are not terribly practical for me at this time. This could be a great spiritual opportunity for me to experience spiritual communion, but I'm not really focusing on that. I could rely on God to protect my mind from my eating disorders as I try to protect my family and myself, but I'm not.
The kids were horrible at mass this morning, but the Deacon said something in the only half-sentence of the homily that I caught; something to the effect that the part of the Gospel reading that ultimately stood out to him was "trust". Well of course I thought "how pithy." And yet, my mind keeps returning to this word since I heard it at mass.
Trust.
Am I trusting God?
No.
I say I do. I'm not distrusting God. More or less, I'm ignoring Him beyond prayers at meals and occasionally saying that a certain task is being offered for a friend. I have not focused on any aspect of our relationship and pretty much relegated the Almighty to the Short-order Cook of Miracles. And when I haven't gotten my way, I have pretty much mentally shrugged it off. "Figures."
I don't want a pithy, lip-service relationship. But what would it mean if I did trust God? I would have to give up wallowing in the dietary stress and general "woe is me" events. I would have to choose to embrace His peace. And I would have to actually engage my Lord beyond routine prayers recited from memory. In short, I'd have to give up my pride, my love of attention, and my desire to appear as if I have it "all together." I have to choose to be vulnerable and open- not so much with God, because let's face it, He's omniscient. I have to be self-scrutinizing. Yes, it's dreadfully uncomfortable. I'm feeling shamefully hedonist right now. The reality is that I'm caught in a spiritual sense of Chinese finger cuffs. My whole self is desperate for peace and grace and yet I am resisting the very Source. I am choosing not to turn to God, ergo I am choosing sin.
I think this is what it means to "die to self." It isn't just about denying yourself creature comforts. I have to put to death the things of the flesh; my pride, my self-centeredness, my ego. These not-so-good traits are part of me and I have to pluck them out. And, ironically, I can't do that without God either.
I am dust, and to dust I will return.
Perhaps a little early for Lent, but I think this works for Advent too. To be perfectly honest, it's not like I've prepared much of a way, straight or otherwise, for Christ during this season. So, I'm at the fork in the spiritual road. Do I give up my resistance or stay the course, knowing it leads nowhere good? I wish I could saying I'm ready to surrender now and begin again and all that jazz. I think to say it is a process for me is a bit of a cop-out because I know I can choose to let go of this. I'm stubborn and mentally numb. And I don't really want to work right now.
But by the time I go to bed tonight, I will get off my spiritual duff. I really do need my Savior.